Feeling Scared

The child inside of me is feeling scared, and I love that. My roommate Ella, recently said she’s moving out in May with her husband. She and her husband were gone for two days this past weekend, and I loved it SO much. With that said, I’m so happy for her, and I wish her all the best in life with her husband. Although I’m very much looking forward to them moving out, I’m also nervous as fuck to be on my own. The first time I moved out on my own was back in 2007-2008, and I fell FLAT ON MY FACE. One of my biggest fears is being homeless. I think this has to do with my dad being homeless. However, I don’t want to fall flat on my face again, so I stick with roommates. People come into our lives to help us in one way or another, and I for one, believe Ella was sent to help guide me to a new start in life and in trusting. Trusting humans, trusting myself, and helping me to see that not all humans are abusive. Ella, along with my boyfriend are the first two humans I have met that are not abusive. Before moving into the apartment I’m currently living in, I was living with an intolerable and most insufferable woman whom I will call, Mama Crumpets, and Ella was living with a horrible roommate as well. Mama Crumpets was very narcissistic, very controlling, and because I didn’t value myself, I let that woman take almost every penny I had earned. People who come from abusive upbringings have a very hard time getting out of toxic situations and I was definitely in a toxic environment. Ella’s previous roommate Lauryn, was very racist and unkind as well. Not to mention, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and I was raised in a cult. Cults indoctrinate so much fear into the minds of their flock that I was completely terrified to leave my current situation, because I was afraid of displeasing “God”. Had I not met Ella when I did, I probably would have taken my own life sooner or later. So trusting humans has and still is a rough area for me. However, in May of 2017, I took a leap of faith and moved in with Ella. I am so thankful and grateful she came into my life. She has shown me a difference between normal and abnormal behavior, that I have never seen before meeting her. I truly love her exponentially. She is always saying, “Roxanna saved me”. However, I feel we saved each other, because she was also just as scared as I was in having roommates. It was a good thing to take a chance and trust each other, because she has added to my growth as an individual. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been “on my own”, and I’m hoping to not fall flat on my face. However, I’m also tired of moving, so I’m going to stay in this two bedroom apartment by myself and hopefully with no more roommates, because it really is time for me to be by myself, and I am so very excited about this. With that said, wish me well and have a very good night.

Love Always,

Inanna Roxanna Arnett

©️ February 19, 2018